I Still Believe in Love | Clare

A friend of mine recently blogged about being single in her 30s and wondering if this was something that was by chance or by choice. I meant to comment on that blog but I realized there were so many thoughts buzzing in my head with that question that I decided to post my own take on it instead.

I’d like to think that I’m single both by chance and by choice — the former being due to the fact that I live in an area that has a small single population (which limits my chances of finding a compatible partner) and the latter being that while I do have my share of admirers, I don’t consider myself desperate enough to have a relationship for the sake of being in one. Love isn’t like in the movies. I think I’m old enough to be aware of that.

An episode of Ally McBeal once talked about how Disney screwed us girls up with the whole Prince Charming sweeping us off our feet thing. The whole meet-fall in love-happily ever after conspiracy. I agree with that. Love, relationships, commitments…they take a lot of work from both sides. Sometimes we get caught up in the moment that we tend to forget that. We tend to let the whole fantasy screw up the whole thing.

At 33 I’d like to think that I’ve been in a fairly decent number of relationships to know what I really want in one at this point in my life. I also know that I want it in my life. Thing is, the realities in life and love that I have experienced and seen with people around me have also made me blatantly aware of what a big risk love and commitment can be and that scares the hell out of me. How much it scares me is one for the books, really.

You can call me the Runaway Bride…well, not really a bride per se, but I do have that whole thing going. When things are starting to work out, I bail. I come up with all these mundane excuses (he’s too religious, his nails are a little long, he acts gay) to justify why it won’t work and I just bail – I disappear from this other person’s world completely. My friends are aware of that. My best friend has probably done the whole face-palm thing more than once with my antics but hey, that’s just the way I am. If some girls fast forward to marriage when they meet an ideal guy, I fast forward to it not working out. Not the kind of thinking a single girl should have, but that’s the way my brain operates. I’d like to think that if the right guy comes along; he’d see through all that and stick around. Someday, I hope someone does stick around. If no one does, then I guess I’d better go the whole The Backup Plan route and get artificially inseminated by the time I’m 35.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as hopeless a romantic as they come. Seriously — most of the time though I believe in it more for others than I do for myself. I’m the type who always hopes for the best for others when it comes to love: I encourage, I help, I advise. Unfortunately, I never do the same for myself. I guess you can say that I’m a jaded hopeless romantic. I believe in love, but I’ve seen too many failed relationships and have experienced them myself that I don’t know for sure if it’s something I can handle.

Bad experiences aside though, I still believe in love, and as iffy as I am about whether that is something that God will give to me, I still pray that I will have that one day. I hope that I will have all the chances and no choice in the matter by then.

Photo Source: Keturah Weathers